pawntakesking | IC Inbox

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, REGULUS BLACK. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 079.07.1663.55 * REGULUS BLACK has joined 079.07.1663.55 <ToujoursPur> This is the current address of Regulus Arcturus Black, formerly of London. <ToujoursPur> Please leave any messages here, and I will respond as soon as I can. Alternatively, ask at the Kit-TEA-Kat Café if you wish to see me in person. <ToujoursPur>** Yours, R.A.B.

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From:

icy_veins

Good afternoon, ser.

I am writing to you after reading your post upon the network, and curiosity has captured me.
I will preface this by saying I am a follower of no god, and that my opinions on the fog currently side with the negative. It does not help that so many horrific acts are committed in her name, though I am no saint myself, I have never been fond of doctrine followers for this reason. To hide behind a god's name while perpetuating evil is a coward's cloak—something we perhaps agree upon.

I have known more non-violent fog followers than violent.
Yet no matter how many times I ask this question, it never seems to merit any satisfying answer: why give yourself to an intangible being, capricious and flimsy in her ideals? She wants for us to be free and happy, and yet takes away the things we loved.

I have yet to speak to her, I am not so far gone in my mental state to speak unto nothingness, but I am still trying to find answers. I am hoping you can help me.

Thank you.

From:

pawntakesking

I think we do agree. It isn't that I want to condemn M. Javert outright - I have no doubt that he genuinely believes he was doing the right thing, he has a certain punitive view of justice and law which allows for very little leeway - but I do very much dislike that he passes it off with Her name. No matter what he may say about taking the consequences if they come, he still should have taken responsibility from the beginning for his own decisions and actions.

As for the Fog, I can't speak for anyone but myself. For myself, though: I began to follow Her because she was happy for me not to. That may sound strange, but where I come from, I had followed people whose love and support was entirely conditional on obedience and blind loyalty. When I first spoke to Her, I told Her I was unconvinced, and She told me that it didn't matter - that I was Her child regardless, and that I ought to make my own decision.

It wasn't just that, of course. I realise that this is not at all the ordinary way of things for people arriving here, but the life I have here is far better than the death I had in my own world - or, if I'm frank, than the life that preluded it. She brought me here, and I'm grateful for that; She also taught me and led me, with my changes and with the way of this world, to see myself in another way and to become a person I never thought I was capable of being. Someone who might actually be a force for good.

In fact, that's the real core of it. Intangible, capricious, flimsy - yes, perhaps. Even so, She seems to be the one who most cares for this world, and the one who maintains it, whose magic permeates the peninsula.

I don't entirely believe She brought us here for our own good. I think of it more as a symbiosis. She needs us to grow and be our best selves in order to renew and rebuild Her world, and in return, She guides us, loves us, and strengthens us.

Excuse me for being a little overly flowery. It's hard to put this kind of thing into words.

From:

icy_veins

The words of your original post resonated with me, as they do now. For all the love and freedom that the fog preaches, for one of her followers to be antithetical to those desires—I am not surprised by yours, or other fog followers' public shamming of ser Javert's actions. You are far more modest in your opinions of this situation, though as a face of the fog I cannot fault you in that.
Regardless, the justiciar is not what I came to speak with you about.

I, too, know what it is like to live a life as a caged bird. My entire existence was a political scheme, a simple pawn on the table. To know there is a deity that wishes only for my happiness and nothing more, is entirely foreign to me.

I have been... struggling. To maintain myself.
I feel as if I have moments where I am completely lucid to this proverbial metamorphosis, and times where my mind is muddled with a cacophony of new emotions, desires, and urges. I don't know which side I prefer more, and it makes me long for what I have always known.

Were you not scared to become a monster? Even if it meant your happiness? Was there nothing from your previous life you missed, or were you so unattached from those dark-caged years that you eagerly shed the carcass of your former self?
It would make more sense if your words hold true, if that by summoning us all here, we will aid in restoring Ryslig to what the fog wishes. If freedom is our payment for our helping her.
It would mean that once such a thing is complete, those of us who wish to go home, could.

I do not think such a honeyed future is in store for us. This peninsula very well may be a new cage for us, and it's a suffocating thought.
Indulging in desires distracts from it, but I do not know for how much longer.

From:

pawntakesking

[Oh. Oh, that's a bit close to home, even when he's in politics-mode.]

[There's a few moments of hesitation before he begins to type, and perhaps it's that sympathy that draws actual honesty from him.]

I was terrified. I knew that I couldn't go home, and that if I did go home it would only be to spend the rest of my life on the run from my own past - and even so, yes, I missed my old life. I still do. I wanted to stay human, to have my magic returned, to be who I always was.

But that was what forced me to grow from it. Facing what I feared most - to be nothing, to be a helpless shadow, to be quite literally kept from the light - helped me to realise that I could be stronger, and that I wasn't doomed to be nothing more than the pampered pet of a family in need of a figurehead. I fought it every step of the way, and that's why I know that it was a lesson I needed.

Yes, I was scared. To tell you the truth, I'm still scared sometimes. But I've come to the conclusion that the freedom She offers - to me, and perhaps to you - is not so much in where I am or where I can go, but in who I am when I'm there.

Does that make sense?

From:

icy_veins

[There is hesitation from the other side of the screen as well, where Eridanus' heart races as he reads the words before him.]

You are—were—a mage as well? You are the first I have met, pardon me. I am rather shocked.
No one understands me when I speak of how much my lack of magic has affected me. It's like I've been born a whole other person, and to live for a millennium one way and suddenly another, I still struggle sometimes.

It is terrifying. I have gazed upon the same face for centuries and now it looks so different. I get angry so easily now, and I feel helpless when I'm faced with opposition, like I must give into my bestial urges if I want to survive.

It is the same for me—I wish to go home but for what? To be a patriarch and rejoin aristocratic society? What joy had that ever brought me, and yet, I long for it like a man dying of thirst in a desert. As if familiarity will replace these desires that have been gored through my heart by the fog's hands, herself.

You are brave for facing such things, and embracing them. I do not know if I have the courage to let go of who I was, but perhaps you are right... that embracing who I am here can keep me grounded.

For that, I am thankful.

So I am assuming, since you are both a previous magic-user and now a priest of the fog:
Is there truly no way to leave? No magic to be obtained that can grant my portage home?

From:

pawntakesking

None that I know of. But I suspect that the magic of your world is very different to that of mine - for one thing, where I come from, it's very unusual for a wizard to live much past a hundred and thirty.

With that said, I was able to reclaim a small part of my magic through dealing with Mana. Only one spell, but the principle is sound. If there is magic where you come from that might have got you home, perhaps it's worth considering that as a route.

It doesn't sound as though you were content there, though. I don't know how long you've been here, but for myself, it took a number of months - probably at least a year - to truly come to terms with life here. If I were you, I would consider taking a bit more time to think on it - you're unlikely to find a way to leave before then, at the very least.

[He considers for a moment more, and perhaps some of Varian's serum is still in his system, or perhaps it's the guilt over betraying Javert on the network, but he does feel more emotionally generous than usual.]

If you do want to talk in person with someone who understands the loss of magic, I would be happy to meet you for a cup of tea. I'm usually at the Kit-TEA-Kat Café, if you know where that is.

From:

icy_veins

[Maybe he can barter for a portal spell, then? He wonders just how hefty the cost of a greater portal spell will be.]

I will have to look into these trades with Mana, I have heard of them, yet I have not acted upon them yet.

And I... do not know where I am happier. There is something to be said about familiarity and the comfort it brings. To go back to my family, my job, my power. It is still a world sundered by war and politics, but at least it is what I know. Here, I am no one and nothing. I am no mage, I am no patrician. I am just a beast.

I will heed your word though, and be more patient. Maybe time will answer more of my introspective questions.

[He almost double-takes at the offer, and nervousness claws at his chest.]

Yes, I am familiar with the café.
Are you... perhaps Regulus? I apologize just, well, my wife Rosefica is employed there. That is my only guess.
I would be happy to meet with you, if not for heavier topics, than to just speak with a fellow past-magician and feel a little less alone.

From:

pawntakesking

There is something to be said for being no one. It allows you to become someone new.

For example, yes, I am Regulus, and I do own the café. Believe me when I say that I would never have been permitted to do anything so proletarian where I come from, and yet it's become a source of some pride for me.

I'm afraid, though, that I wasn't aware Rosefica was married.

From:

icy_veins

I see. I held office within my people's government before, but now I am a bookkeeper for another organization.
Surprisingly, the work just about the same, but I think I understand what you mean.

As for Rosefica, yes, we're married though really in name alone. This place has driven a wedge between us, and we've separated. Perhaps another reason I wish for things to return to how they were.
I am no longer the man she married.

Nevermind. I find that I am speaking with you more candidly than I had imagined, it's almost embarrassing.
Will you be in the shop today? Perhaps some tea in person would be better, rather than laying my heart so bare over the network.

From:

pawntakesking

If I had outlived my father, I believe I would have held a government office as well. But it would hardly have been the same as earning something for myself.

I'm sorry to hear about your marriage. I hope I didn't touch a nerve - it certainly wasn't my intention to hurt you.

In any case, yes, I will be in the shop from dusk until dawn. I'm afraid anything outside that can be quite difficult - a stray sunbeam is really a nasty thing to a shade - but if it suits you to come then, that would be ideal.

From:

icy_veins

Worry not, I was the one who brought up the topic.

Perhaps we can talk more on this in person, though.
I will come this evening.

—————

[Perhaps he is a bit early, as patience hasn't been his strong suit since his first changes upon coming to Ryslig. Yet, as Eridanus stood before the door to Kit-Tea-Cat, hesitation keeps him from opening the door. Was he ready for this? Regulus had said so many things that touched much too close to home, and for the first time in a long while, the things he had tucked away into the back of his mind had reared themselves.

But he had come all the way here, so what point is there to let anxiety win now?

With just the smallest bit of apprehension, Eridanus' opal talons curl about the handle, and he slowly pulls the door open. A chime rings above him and his long, tufted ears perk at the sound. He shouldn't have been spooked by it, with how many times he's visited the café by now—still, it makes him jump slightly. Nerves, must be.

Eridanus walks up to the counter, not yet noticing any "shades" (he had yet to see one, honestly), and rang the bell that sat beside the register. Hopefully he hadn't come too soon.]

From:

pawntakesking

[There is still enough daylight that it's best for Regulus to stay in the back, where it's safely dark, unless he's needed. There's plenty to be done - there always is - and it's a moment before he emerges into the shadowed space behind the counter, the darkness coalescing first into the dim shape of a robed figure, and then the clear form of a pale young man, still wiping his manicured hands on a dishcloth.]

[He offers a polite smile and a small bow to the newcomer.]

Good evening. What can I get for you?

From:

icy_veins

[The figure that manifests from the shadows surprises him at first, but whatever wide-eyed ogling he had bared is quickly replaced with a polite smile. He dressed well enough, a plain black suit where the black iridescence of his opals both blends and stands out from his attire, each time they catch a sliver of light.]

I apologize, I arrived a bit more hastily than I anticipated, but I was rather eager. [Eridanus clears his throat and smooths his jacket before offering his hand to shake,] I'm Eridanus Sungazer. It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Regulus.

[His smile turns a bit sheepish, but he maintains it regardless.] Ah, and if it isn't too much trouble... could I get just a black coffee?

From:

pawntakesking

[Regulus glances down at the proffered hand, and shakes it briskly. His own hand is ice-cold and barely there - a strange sort of solid smoke that gives under Eridanus' grip in a way that flesh shouldn't.]

Of course. [His own smile doesn't entirely reach his eyes, but it's polite enough.] And the pleasure is mine. Don't worry about being early - it's better than being late, or so I've always believed.

Have a seat, won't you? I'll just be a moment.

From:

icy_veins

[A shudder floods Eridanus' arm at the feeling of Regulus' hand within his. It's unsettling, to feel something not-quite-there in his palm. When he draws his hand back, he has to resist the urge to rub it across the fabric of his suit jacket just to cleanse the sensation from his skin.

With the gesture, Eridanus pushes another smile across his visage, the first faltering slightly at their handshake. He turns and finds a table away from the windows of the café, in a comfortably shaded corner as the setting sun shines its last rays of light across the wall behind him. As he waits patiently, the sounds of clinking cups and boiling water has his long ears twitching.

Eventually, when Regulus returns, Eridanus clears his throat.]

I appreciate you meeting me on such short notice, I feel as if my head has been stuffed with cotton. Too many thoughts and feelings constantly flooding me. I was rather relieved to find someone who has had experiences similar to mine, both here and... prior.

From:

pawntakesking

[Regulus is not unused to that reaction, and his own polite expression doesn't falter at Eridanus' shudder. He takes a moment before returning, a black coffee in one hand and a pot of tea in the other (the teacup and saucer float a little way behind him, apparently unsupported).]

[He sets both down, and shifts into the seat across from Eridanus. It wouldn't be quite accurate to say that he sits - that implies a movement that never quite happens - but in any case, he is standing by the table one moment, and sitting at it the next, his pale hands folded on the painted wood.]

Yes, it can all be very overwhelming. I felt much the same, when I first arrived - although, I'm sure, not quite for the same reasons.

And I did at least have the advantage of knowing that I wasn't alone in my experience.

From:

icy_veins

[Eridanus accepts the cup of coffee with a mouthed word of thanks, his opal claws clutching at the delicate handle to bring it to his lips for a tentative sip. He listens to Regulus with ears perked to attention, his verdant gaze unblinking in their curiosity of the fellow.

It is still hard for him to conceive of his companion's ethereality, but he manages to sober himself from gawking.]

Perhaps you are right, it's as they say — misery loves company. [The words unfurl the ache of melancholy in his chest, his memories swimming back to when he had first come to this peninsula, and he reunited with Rosefica in the sewers.]

Still, it is barely the soothing balm for my tumultuous feelings. It seems as though you've managed to acclimate, though. An acceptance of inevitability? Or something else?

From:

pawntakesking

Yes and no.

I had another advantage. [He sips his tea, frowning down at it as if expecting to see something reflected there.] When I came here, before it was ever explained to me where here was, I knew I had neither the capacity nor the wish to go back.

You see, I had just died. Under rather unpleasant circumstances, in fact. Being alive again, even without magic or connections, was more than I had expected.

[And not entirely a welcome surprise, but he isn't about to say that. This is already a lot of emotional openness for someone he doesn't know, he's not about to add his actual feelings to the mixture.]

It helped me to look for the best in the situation, and to find something here to believe in and work towards. Although learning to do anything without magic was one of the most trying experiences I've ever had.

From:

icy_veins

[As Eridanus listens to Regulus' story of arrival, his own thoughts drift back towards his own. How empty he had felt waking up without his magic, how determined he was to simply survive, without a thought for how he felt about it. He had been like an animal then, and perhaps he never returned from that.

His gaze lifts, and Regulus' mention of magic earns a soft, understanding laugh from him.]

Tell me about it. I've never thought about cleaning something before, until I lost my magic. Others do not understand our particular plight. To spend your whole life relying on, and being defined by something, only to suddenly have it stolen from you.

[Eridanus' somber countenance falters into a sad frown, his broad shoulders slumping slightly as he brings the bitter coffee to his lips to wash the taste of far more bitter reality from his tongue.]

I hadn't died prior to my arrival here, and for that, I find myself caught in the middle. The wish to go back, to see my daughter and to have my magic... but I know that I am no longer the man I was there, and I do not know if I could ever return to him. [His gaze lifts, to meet Regulus' ethereal eyes,] it's pathetic, isn't it? This would be far easier if I had died. At least then, I could have been like a phoenix, like you.

From:

pawntakesking

I wouldn't call it pathetic.

I wouldn't call myself a phoenix, either. [He sets his cup back on its saucer with a small, flat clink. His expression is dour, steady - unreadable.] The past has a way of catching up with one, even here.

[He doesn't seem to be aware of the small, subtle movement of his hand to his sleeve, his palm resting flat over the suggestion of a glow from beneath the pitch-black cloth. He shakes his head, and clears his throat.]

It must be very difficult, though, to leave a child behind. I'm sorry. How old was she?

From:

icy_veins

[Quietness befalls Eridanus at those words, his own expression tightening as he feels shame coil in his belly. He doesn't usually voice his inner monologue so candidly, and now that he is, he may perhaps be feeling a bit embarrassed.]

Yes, I think you are right, there. [He mutters, noticing the way Regulus touches at his arm, but making no comment of it. Everyone here has their pasts, and their own wants for some privacy.] That the past catches up with us, even here. In a way, it seems as if by coming to Ryslig, any walls a person might have built around themselves comes crumbling down — and you have to keep yourself from being crushed by the rubble.

[Eridanus takes up his cup and enjoys another sip of bitter coffee, before mention of his daughter almost catches the drink in his chest. He sets it down with a quiet clearing of his throat, trying to regain himself without hacking up a lung, before giving Regulus a half-smile.]

Thank you. Her name is Eucryphia... she will be five years old in spring. [So, young. Far too young to be without her parents.]

From:

pawntakesking

Merlin...

[He doesn't quite mean for that to escape him - a low murmur of sympathy and shock - but it's out now. Four years old. Even Regulus, who would gladly admit to having no idea what age a child should be independent, can recognise that four is altogether too young to be left alone in the world.]

[He takes a long drink of his tea, hoping to cover his momentary lapse of etiquette - to hide the horror and sympathy that crosses his face, which he's sure will not be appreciated in this situation - and clears his throat.]

I'm sure she will be all right, for what it's worth. [He lies with the smoothness and ease of someone who hasn't even considered that it's a lie, and quickly moves back from the subject.]

But you're right, of course. Ryslig has a remarkable way of breaking down the armour we construct for ourselves. It's a frightening thing, and can be a painful one - but if you can only learn from it, it can be a miraculous thing, as well.

I'm an entirely different man to the one who arrived here two and a half years ago. A much better one, if I do say so myself. Even losing my magic, it was...

Well, it was a lesson. For example, I can cook now. [A small attempt at lightening the mood. The corners of his mouth twitch in a tiny smile.]

From:

icy_veins

[Eridanus catches the way this revelation affects Regulus, and it's a small comfort to know that he has those sympathies. He certainly hides his grief of the matter better than his wife does, and for that alone it has become a question if he even misses their daughter. He does, everyday, he tells himself.]

Eucryphia is safe, and that is the only solace I have in this situation. My younger brother is caring for her, and if anything happens to him, I also have my son who is an adult. Both love her to ribbons, so she will never want for anything. I simply pray that she doesn't hate me for leaving her. [He stares down at the blackened pool of coffee within his cup, the wafting warm scent one that dredges up memories of sunny mornings with Eucryphia playing at his feet. He swallows down the memory when he brings his drink to his lips, drowning it where it won't pull a more sorrowful expression across his features.

Regulus' change in topic is not lost on Eridanus, and he smiles his thanks to the man across from him. A laugh bubbles from him at the mention of cooking,] I am still an awful cook, but I hope to become better. I have to admit, from what little I've done of it, I do enjoy it quite a bit. Perhaps I can find other hobbies too, in my time here. Something to distract from the grim. I've only been doing as I've always done: reading, chess, work. I'm rather boring, I must admit.

From:

pawntakesking

Chess, you say?

[Regulus smiles back, one dark eyebrow arching.]

Perhaps we ought to play a match, one of these days. I'm something of a chess player myself, as it happens.

Besides, there's nothing wrong with being rather boring. It's done me well enough, so far.

From:

icy_veins

[Eridanus' brows go up at that smile, and while it looks odd on such a nebulous countenance, it is still a comfort. His mind has been in its own haze for weeks, and suddenly it dawns on him how much he needed to just sit and have a cup of coffee with someone kind.]

Perhaps, I am very good you know. In my homeland we have a game much more advanced than human chess. It's called fethesi.

[A somewhat dark chuckle leaves him, as if relishing in the thought of conquering yet another opponent in stratagem.]

But... yes. It would be nice to play sometime, I think I would like that. Did you play it often before? I am curious what games existed in a land of magic that is not my own.